Just what the title states. I'm a burden on everyone.. My family, friends and those who I'm acquainted with. It's so hard for me to get by a day without thinking about it lately. Tonight, my wheelchair died halfway home, in the cold and I was already half frozen. Dan had to put it in neutral and push me home.. Now my chair is 350 pounds and then you add my weight into it, so it's no easy feat, that's for sure. He was grouchy and frustrated when we got home with me and I just felt so helpless.
This isn't the first time either, it inconveniences nearly everyone I'm with. I'm so self conscious of the chair, it's ridiculous. Waiters/Waitresses trip on it, people of all kinds trip on it and hurt themselves. I can't go into any store that has a step. You want to go to a pub that has stairs ? Mmm, nope! Forget a pub, how about anywhere? You want to go to a play, show or concert? Has to be meticulously planned to a T so that I don't get hurt and I'm not a "fire-hazard" as they say. How about just going for a walk? Some places there are no ramps and others is simply grassy terrain. It hurts so much, and if I may feel sorry for myself for but a moment, it's just not fair. I get this feigned sympathy and the questioning glances of so many people, so many people who don't know me, don't want to know me and just carry on with their day.. I wish I could do that with such ease.
Everything in my life is a challenge, a roller coaster ride. What do I need to do if I'm to carry something? How about if I'm to get to point A to B? God forbid something as simple as a twenty minute bus ride and walking in the winter can be a two hour cab ride and "driving" for me. It's times like these that I wish, sincerely that I could just lock myself in my room, read Moomin and LOTR and listen to music.... Have no use for the world... A roller coaster ride, yes.. Lately the downs outnumber the time flying high, that's for sure.
I long to go hiking again, feel the grass under my bare feet.. Play the violin just one last time..... I wish I could. Some times I wish things were different. But as my grandmother use to say, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.."
BurdenBurdenBurden.
I'm going to go get lost in a fantasy world where I'm an elven archer, defending a kingdom of middle earth.. See where I'm going with this? Oh, I forgot to mention, on the up side.. I think the words "Ocean Soul" around my Orca are going to be tattooed in Elvish, specifically Quenya, which was based on the Scandinavian languages. I'm excited.. I hope I can find proper references!!
Bailey Dawn
You aren’t alone in feeling like a burden – lots of people do, but it is usually a sentiment described when they are very seriously depressed… so although you might have felt this way casually in the past, I’d consider it serious if you’re focusing on it a lot lately – and recommend you chat with your doctor about it… (Assuming your doctor is a useful doctor and not an asshat…)
ReplyDeleteI’d say the only other helpful thing to think of… all of your friends who met you and befriended you after your surgery knew about your chair – and befriended you with ‘full disclosure’ (so to speak) about the “burden” (your words) that the chair entails. They might not know all of the minute details (like about how you need to plan to go to a show, rather than just going on a whim) but you can teach them that. You might see it as a huge issue (because you have to live with it every day) but I doubt the people in your life really do… it’s just something to consider. I consider if restaurants and pubs are wheelchair accessible as a matter of course… the same way I consider if a place is easily accessible by transit (I have a few friends solely dependant on transit).. the same way I consider if a menu is vegetarian or celiac-friendly (since I have friends that have dietary concerns)… the same way I consider late nights for my friends who work at stupid-o-clock in the morning, or Sunday plans for friends in the aesthetics industry (where they work Saturdays and get Sundays and Mondays off) or considerations for friends who have kids and need childcare (and thus also can’t make plans on a whim…). People have chosen to be in your life, knowing about your chair and your “baggage”. If they couldn’t deal with your baggage, they wouldn’t be in your life.
Thank you Dawn, it means so much to me that you'd comment and be so realistic about it. Truth be told, this was just jumbled feelings. It's been this way for about a month and a little bit, and I can't help but feel that I should seek help. I'm going to go talk to my doctor about it, amongst other things because this haze of negativity doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
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