I swear to god if it wasn't for my biology class and Disney movies I would have gone ass over tea kettle crazy by now... What with this brand new website, the fact that I seem to be writing things a mile a minute and seemingly have insomnia, plus the thought that I'll be going to school for computers next semester, (For those of you that know me.. I know right? I can barely turn the thing on, let alone build a website.. But singer and historian seemed to be out of the question, so computers it is!) and attending concerts.. I'm pretty much going crazy. I don't like people.. Never have, never will. I avoid them like the plague. A person is nice, people are terrifying, so it's hard for me to socialize and not act like a total wallflower. I have to really push myself to do so and some times it's not really that pretty when I do.
Bio class and Disney movies are sort of my escape. For one, Biology is awesome and it's very.. nature oriented. Plants, the sun light, lakes, oceans.. All good things, things I've often ..escaped.. too. Yes yes, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a giant lamewad for using that word, because if you know anything about me, you'll also know that one of the people I look up to is an Escapist. Bah, I'm not even trying to make myself sound deep here.. It's a real problem, to be honest. I wish I could change it and be as fun loving as the next person, but it's just not me..
Now on to Disney. Have you ever just.. felt right about something? Like, all the things in the world just fit? That's the way I feel about Disney. My father and I use to watch Disney movies before he passed away.. Beauty and The Beast had just come out, and we use to watch it together every day. He was quite like the Beast and he use to call me his Belle (y'know, back when I was cute cause I was four. lol) and we use to watch it over and over and OVER again. It was like my escape. When he died just shortly after, I didn't watch Beauty and the Beast for a long time.. Until about three years ago because it was just way too painful for me to do. That was my introduction to Disney. From the time I was four, I was hooked. Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Robin Hood and Peter Pan.. Those were among my favourites and still are to this very day!
When I had been suffering from my brain tumor for about a year and a half, my mom applied to the Make a Wish Foundation of Canada to let us go to Disney World for my last, dying wish. Man, the parts I can remember (that aren't little clouds of brain surgery and stuff) was... I found out I adored the Haunted Mansion.. I met Minnie and Mickey and Huey and Dewey and Louie, which was just awesome! I bought a huge jawbreaker that was red and white and tasted like Cinnamon and finally.. I felt like a normal little kid. Things from that trip seemed to blur. I saw Orca's for my first time in Sea World, and the dinosaurs in universal studios are weird and scared me. Also, the Animal Kingdom was cool! I got off on a tangent there, point is.. I had escaped being sick for awhile and that was what mattered to me, ultimately. That I could be a normal little kid.
I had my second taste when I was fifteen and I went to Disneyland.. Which is by far my favorite park, I think, though I've never been to the one in Asia, or France. I road the Haunted Mansion 27 times that day.. Count em, 27! I also found the Nightmare Before Christmas store and was in my prime! I loved everything about this park. The quaintness, the view, the smell of the park, but most of all the parade. My grandmother had died just earlier that year, and she was my mother. There's no ifs and or butts about this.. She was my mom. My real mom had and has been too busy drinking everything in sight and calling me names like fat ass and downright physically abusing me all my life to even be called that, so my title of my "mom" goes to my grandmother. My grandmother and I loved The Lion King (Hans Zimmer, oh yeah!) and she was a huge believer in re-carnation. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone, and I could listen to her talk in her Scottish accent about being in Invernesse and meeting my grandfather until the cows come home. So we watched the Lion King together every Friday/Saturday night while my "mother" was out getting drunk with God knows who. In the parade there was a part when they played The Circle of Life and all the lions, and animals came out, and I lost it. The first time I had allowed myself to cry in months just came to a head. In a way, that was my release, and my escapism of that situation.
It doesn't make anything better but what it does do is make the situations bearable for me to handle. I cling to my dreams, my wishes and my hopes.. Why is that so hard to understand....? Let me have my alone time with a Disney movie or two.. and my homework. I need that to refuel. Hmm. I feel a poem coming on....
In memory of Frank Cardinal and Elizabeth Coty. I will always love you guys, you're never more than a dream away.. <3
Bailey Dawn
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