Sunday 28 October 2012
An Ocean Soul...
Ignore my gross back.. This is very soon (probably within the next
couple of months even) going to be my tribute to the song "Ocean Soul"
by Nightwish. It's going to have ocean around it, and the words "Ocean
Soul" somewhere on it.. No idea where yet, I'm letting it come to me as
it comes. It's also a cover up tattoo of another poorly done Orca, so
that's why it had to be so huge. Only four more hours, collectively to go...
I've loved that song ever since I was in the hospital with my brain
tumor and managed to get my hands on Century Child and I listened to
that song over and over again.. It made me imagine things, like camping
by the ocean, swimming with orcas.. But one thing, it made me feel like I
wasn't alone in the world...
Wednesday 24 October 2012
I wish I wasn't such a burden..
Just what the title states. I'm a burden on everyone.. My family, friends and those who I'm acquainted with. It's so hard for me to get by a day without thinking about it lately. Tonight, my wheelchair died halfway home, in the cold and I was already half frozen. Dan had to put it in neutral and push me home.. Now my chair is 350 pounds and then you add my weight into it, so it's no easy feat, that's for sure. He was grouchy and frustrated when we got home with me and I just felt so helpless.
This isn't the first time either, it inconveniences nearly everyone I'm with. I'm so self conscious of the chair, it's ridiculous. Waiters/Waitresses trip on it, people of all kinds trip on it and hurt themselves. I can't go into any store that has a step. You want to go to a pub that has stairs ? Mmm, nope! Forget a pub, how about anywhere? You want to go to a play, show or concert? Has to be meticulously planned to a T so that I don't get hurt and I'm not a "fire-hazard" as they say. How about just going for a walk? Some places there are no ramps and others is simply grassy terrain. It hurts so much, and if I may feel sorry for myself for but a moment, it's just not fair. I get this feigned sympathy and the questioning glances of so many people, so many people who don't know me, don't want to know me and just carry on with their day.. I wish I could do that with such ease.
Everything in my life is a challenge, a roller coaster ride. What do I need to do if I'm to carry something? How about if I'm to get to point A to B? God forbid something as simple as a twenty minute bus ride and walking in the winter can be a two hour cab ride and "driving" for me. It's times like these that I wish, sincerely that I could just lock myself in my room, read Moomin and LOTR and listen to music.... Have no use for the world... A roller coaster ride, yes.. Lately the downs outnumber the time flying high, that's for sure.
I long to go hiking again, feel the grass under my bare feet.. Play the violin just one last time..... I wish I could. Some times I wish things were different. But as my grandmother use to say, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.."
BurdenBurdenBurden.
I'm going to go get lost in a fantasy world where I'm an elven archer, defending a kingdom of middle earth.. See where I'm going with this? Oh, I forgot to mention, on the up side.. I think the words "Ocean Soul" around my Orca are going to be tattooed in Elvish, specifically Quenya, which was based on the Scandinavian languages. I'm excited.. I hope I can find proper references!!
Bailey Dawn
This isn't the first time either, it inconveniences nearly everyone I'm with. I'm so self conscious of the chair, it's ridiculous. Waiters/Waitresses trip on it, people of all kinds trip on it and hurt themselves. I can't go into any store that has a step. You want to go to a pub that has stairs ? Mmm, nope! Forget a pub, how about anywhere? You want to go to a play, show or concert? Has to be meticulously planned to a T so that I don't get hurt and I'm not a "fire-hazard" as they say. How about just going for a walk? Some places there are no ramps and others is simply grassy terrain. It hurts so much, and if I may feel sorry for myself for but a moment, it's just not fair. I get this feigned sympathy and the questioning glances of so many people, so many people who don't know me, don't want to know me and just carry on with their day.. I wish I could do that with such ease.
Everything in my life is a challenge, a roller coaster ride. What do I need to do if I'm to carry something? How about if I'm to get to point A to B? God forbid something as simple as a twenty minute bus ride and walking in the winter can be a two hour cab ride and "driving" for me. It's times like these that I wish, sincerely that I could just lock myself in my room, read Moomin and LOTR and listen to music.... Have no use for the world... A roller coaster ride, yes.. Lately the downs outnumber the time flying high, that's for sure.
I long to go hiking again, feel the grass under my bare feet.. Play the violin just one last time..... I wish I could. Some times I wish things were different. But as my grandmother use to say, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.."
BurdenBurdenBurden.
I'm going to go get lost in a fantasy world where I'm an elven archer, defending a kingdom of middle earth.. See where I'm going with this? Oh, I forgot to mention, on the up side.. I think the words "Ocean Soul" around my Orca are going to be tattooed in Elvish, specifically Quenya, which was based on the Scandinavian languages. I'm excited.. I hope I can find proper references!!
Bailey Dawn
Friday 19 October 2012
Nightwish's "Imaginaerum" is going to be...
played in Hartwall Areena on the 10th of November.. Just a FEW short days away. Then there's going to be a concert by Nightwish just following the movie premiere! I am so happy for them, the movie and the music getting what it deserves...
The tenth of November is FOUR days before my birthday. gahh.. I would love NOTHING more than to be there, but alas, the fates have not directed the wind that way for me. You'll never ever see this Nightwish, but rock extra hard for me! ^_^
Bailey Dawn
The tenth of November is FOUR days before my birthday. gahh.. I would love NOTHING more than to be there, but alas, the fates have not directed the wind that way for me. You'll never ever see this Nightwish, but rock extra hard for me! ^_^
Bailey Dawn
Wednesday 17 October 2012
Pretending to be something you're not..
every single one of us. I think it's important to stop and realise what's around us. Stop and smell, taste, breathe.. Without the knowledge of things around us, we fall pretty short, don't we?
Still, in this world there is a standard of everything, for all of us to live by. Are you pretty, fat, skinny, chubby, goth, punk, preppy...? What kind of food, music, clothing, weather, scents, books or movies do you like..? It's all a big race to get to be someone, to have an identity and be part of a group and search out what you truly love and want to do..
The truth is is that limiting yourself to one genre of music, movies, one type of food, one manner of clothing or anything I've just mentioned is boxing yourself up to a rigid set of ideals that might not flow freely.People change every day, they are constantly moving with the water within their bodies, to the beat of the tides, streams, the rain, lakes and the oceans.. So why can't things just flow naturally between our inner and outer selves? Why can't we enjoy and not limit ourselves to one type of living, of being? To move with that natural flow of change should be an accepted ideal, but it is not. It is seen as a weakness, and that my dear friends, is shameful.
Stop judging everyone you meet based on appearances, race, sexuality, religion and spirituality and take time to look beneath that.. I am a firm believer in not judging until you have walked a mile with them, and not telling them that you know what they are going through.. You have no idea. We can guess, we can be supportive and be there for them. But everyone handles things differently, we are all people with our own thresholds to to cross and our own ways to deal with things.
Be authentic, be vulnerable, be you... and most of all, be kind and gracious. Treat other people the way you would want to be treated, and don't skimp on friendships, they can last you a life time... Let the universe take you where you need to go and manifest it. We're all just but a piece of this ever lasting thing we call the universe. But we do have one thing going for us, and that thing is love. <3
-Bailey Dawn
Saturday 13 October 2012
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Disney Movies! and more from my brain at stupid oclock.
I swear to god if it wasn't for my biology class and Disney movies I would have gone ass over tea kettle crazy by now... What with this brand new website, the fact that I seem to be writing things a mile a minute and seemingly have insomnia, plus the thought that I'll be going to school for computers next semester, (For those of you that know me.. I know right? I can barely turn the thing on, let alone build a website.. But singer and historian seemed to be out of the question, so computers it is!) and attending concerts.. I'm pretty much going crazy. I don't like people.. Never have, never will. I avoid them like the plague. A person is nice, people are terrifying, so it's hard for me to socialize and not act like a total wallflower. I have to really push myself to do so and some times it's not really that pretty when I do.
Bio class and Disney movies are sort of my escape. For one, Biology is awesome and it's very.. nature oriented. Plants, the sun light, lakes, oceans.. All good things, things I've often ..escaped.. too. Yes yes, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a giant lamewad for using that word, because if you know anything about me, you'll also know that one of the people I look up to is an Escapist. Bah, I'm not even trying to make myself sound deep here.. It's a real problem, to be honest. I wish I could change it and be as fun loving as the next person, but it's just not me..
Now on to Disney. Have you ever just.. felt right about something? Like, all the things in the world just fit? That's the way I feel about Disney. My father and I use to watch Disney movies before he passed away.. Beauty and The Beast had just come out, and we use to watch it together every day. He was quite like the Beast and he use to call me his Belle (y'know, back when I was cute cause I was four. lol) and we use to watch it over and over and OVER again. It was like my escape. When he died just shortly after, I didn't watch Beauty and the Beast for a long time.. Until about three years ago because it was just way too painful for me to do. That was my introduction to Disney. From the time I was four, I was hooked. Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Robin Hood and Peter Pan.. Those were among my favourites and still are to this very day!
When I had been suffering from my brain tumor for about a year and a half, my mom applied to the Make a Wish Foundation of Canada to let us go to Disney World for my last, dying wish. Man, the parts I can remember (that aren't little clouds of brain surgery and stuff) was... I found out I adored the Haunted Mansion.. I met Minnie and Mickey and Huey and Dewey and Louie, which was just awesome! I bought a huge jawbreaker that was red and white and tasted like Cinnamon and finally.. I felt like a normal little kid. Things from that trip seemed to blur. I saw Orca's for my first time in Sea World, and the dinosaurs in universal studios are weird and scared me. Also, the Animal Kingdom was cool! I got off on a tangent there, point is.. I had escaped being sick for awhile and that was what mattered to me, ultimately. That I could be a normal little kid.
I had my second taste when I was fifteen and I went to Disneyland.. Which is by far my favorite park, I think, though I've never been to the one in Asia, or France. I road the Haunted Mansion 27 times that day.. Count em, 27! I also found the Nightmare Before Christmas store and was in my prime! I loved everything about this park. The quaintness, the view, the smell of the park, but most of all the parade. My grandmother had died just earlier that year, and she was my mother. There's no ifs and or butts about this.. She was my mom. My real mom had and has been too busy drinking everything in sight and calling me names like fat ass and downright physically abusing me all my life to even be called that, so my title of my "mom" goes to my grandmother. My grandmother and I loved The Lion King (Hans Zimmer, oh yeah!) and she was a huge believer in re-carnation. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone, and I could listen to her talk in her Scottish accent about being in Invernesse and meeting my grandfather until the cows come home. So we watched the Lion King together every Friday/Saturday night while my "mother" was out getting drunk with God knows who. In the parade there was a part when they played The Circle of Life and all the lions, and animals came out, and I lost it. The first time I had allowed myself to cry in months just came to a head. In a way, that was my release, and my escapism of that situation.
It doesn't make anything better but what it does do is make the situations bearable for me to handle. I cling to my dreams, my wishes and my hopes.. Why is that so hard to understand....? Let me have my alone time with a Disney movie or two.. and my homework. I need that to refuel. Hmm. I feel a poem coming on....
In memory of Frank Cardinal and Elizabeth Coty. I will always love you guys, you're never more than a dream away.. <3
Bailey Dawn
Bio class and Disney movies are sort of my escape. For one, Biology is awesome and it's very.. nature oriented. Plants, the sun light, lakes, oceans.. All good things, things I've often ..escaped.. too. Yes yes, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a giant lamewad for using that word, because if you know anything about me, you'll also know that one of the people I look up to is an Escapist. Bah, I'm not even trying to make myself sound deep here.. It's a real problem, to be honest. I wish I could change it and be as fun loving as the next person, but it's just not me..
Now on to Disney. Have you ever just.. felt right about something? Like, all the things in the world just fit? That's the way I feel about Disney. My father and I use to watch Disney movies before he passed away.. Beauty and The Beast had just come out, and we use to watch it together every day. He was quite like the Beast and he use to call me his Belle (y'know, back when I was cute cause I was four. lol) and we use to watch it over and over and OVER again. It was like my escape. When he died just shortly after, I didn't watch Beauty and the Beast for a long time.. Until about three years ago because it was just way too painful for me to do. That was my introduction to Disney. From the time I was four, I was hooked. Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Robin Hood and Peter Pan.. Those were among my favourites and still are to this very day!
When I had been suffering from my brain tumor for about a year and a half, my mom applied to the Make a Wish Foundation of Canada to let us go to Disney World for my last, dying wish. Man, the parts I can remember (that aren't little clouds of brain surgery and stuff) was... I found out I adored the Haunted Mansion.. I met Minnie and Mickey and Huey and Dewey and Louie, which was just awesome! I bought a huge jawbreaker that was red and white and tasted like Cinnamon and finally.. I felt like a normal little kid. Things from that trip seemed to blur. I saw Orca's for my first time in Sea World, and the dinosaurs in universal studios are weird and scared me. Also, the Animal Kingdom was cool! I got off on a tangent there, point is.. I had escaped being sick for awhile and that was what mattered to me, ultimately. That I could be a normal little kid.
I had my second taste when I was fifteen and I went to Disneyland.. Which is by far my favorite park, I think, though I've never been to the one in Asia, or France. I road the Haunted Mansion 27 times that day.. Count em, 27! I also found the Nightmare Before Christmas store and was in my prime! I loved everything about this park. The quaintness, the view, the smell of the park, but most of all the parade. My grandmother had died just earlier that year, and she was my mother. There's no ifs and or butts about this.. She was my mom. My real mom had and has been too busy drinking everything in sight and calling me names like fat ass and downright physically abusing me all my life to even be called that, so my title of my "mom" goes to my grandmother. My grandmother and I loved The Lion King (Hans Zimmer, oh yeah!) and she was a huge believer in re-carnation. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone, and I could listen to her talk in her Scottish accent about being in Invernesse and meeting my grandfather until the cows come home. So we watched the Lion King together every Friday/Saturday night while my "mother" was out getting drunk with God knows who. In the parade there was a part when they played The Circle of Life and all the lions, and animals came out, and I lost it. The first time I had allowed myself to cry in months just came to a head. In a way, that was my release, and my escapism of that situation.
It doesn't make anything better but what it does do is make the situations bearable for me to handle. I cling to my dreams, my wishes and my hopes.. Why is that so hard to understand....? Let me have my alone time with a Disney movie or two.. and my homework. I need that to refuel. Hmm. I feel a poem coming on....
In memory of Frank Cardinal and Elizabeth Coty. I will always love you guys, you're never more than a dream away.. <3
Bailey Dawn
Monday 8 October 2012
Hey guys, for any Canadian Nightwishers..
We've created a fan club website for them. You should join, the artwork is by my BEST FRIEND Joanne and she's just lovely! :D We plan on getting t-shirts made, and having a pin and other cool stuff, but for right now membership is free while we're building our community.. Also, come into the forum, I'm bored and want to chat with all of you guys! :P This is me and Marianne's baby, so I really hope to have a community of us fans from the North, mostly because Nightwish fans are the most passionate and lovely bunch of people I know!
Here's the link, please check it out!
Nightwish Canadian Fan Club
Bailey Dawn
Here's the link, please check it out!
Nightwish Canadian Fan Club
Bailey Dawn
The love of the literary world..
Since there are no concerts to go to this month (sadface) and I just found out that Sonata Arctica is not coming here, only hitting up Toronto, I felt the need to post this.
Books are awesome. You should love them. I read all sorts of books from books within the fantasy world(my favourite kind!), fiction, non fiction, war time books, books about biology, music books, autobiographies and the like. I write too, I do.. It's lame, but I write like CRAZY. I just will be driving down the street and get sudden inspiration and I literally cannot think of anything else until it's formed on my computer or paper. It's why I always carry my pirate book with all my poems, stories and lyrics in it. I have literally had to drive off the sidewalk into the grass and write down ideas before I could continue getting wherever I was going. I think I said this in a letter that has yet to be delivered yet but, it's strange how pouring your feelings out on a fresh piece of paper can sooth you.
Anyways, this wasn't the whole point of this post, this post was about the Kobo.. I just recently got a kobo, but it's not the same as holding a book in your hands. Smelling the musty smell when you open a particularly aged one.. (Now I'm speaking about it as if it's scotch or wine.) or feeling the weight of it in my hands. I enjoy crying on those pages occasionally and having my finger run over the words. I'm currently reading the entirety of the Grimm's fairy-tales in book form, and having a blast of it. Next, I'm moving on to reading "The Hobbit" for the third time in my life in preparation for the movie release and that is on my Kobo.. It's just not the same..
Long story short.. Books are awesome, Kobo is... not thrilling. Now on to my reading since it's 2 AM and I can't sleep. Ohh, Snow White..
Bailey Dawn <3
Books are awesome. You should love them. I read all sorts of books from books within the fantasy world(my favourite kind!), fiction, non fiction, war time books, books about biology, music books, autobiographies and the like. I write too, I do.. It's lame, but I write like CRAZY. I just will be driving down the street and get sudden inspiration and I literally cannot think of anything else until it's formed on my computer or paper. It's why I always carry my pirate book with all my poems, stories and lyrics in it. I have literally had to drive off the sidewalk into the grass and write down ideas before I could continue getting wherever I was going. I think I said this in a letter that has yet to be delivered yet but, it's strange how pouring your feelings out on a fresh piece of paper can sooth you.
Anyways, this wasn't the whole point of this post, this post was about the Kobo.. I just recently got a kobo, but it's not the same as holding a book in your hands. Smelling the musty smell when you open a particularly aged one.. (Now I'm speaking about it as if it's scotch or wine.) or feeling the weight of it in my hands. I enjoy crying on those pages occasionally and having my finger run over the words. I'm currently reading the entirety of the Grimm's fairy-tales in book form, and having a blast of it. Next, I'm moving on to reading "The Hobbit" for the third time in my life in preparation for the movie release and that is on my Kobo.. It's just not the same..
Long story short.. Books are awesome, Kobo is... not thrilling. Now on to my reading since it's 2 AM and I can't sleep. Ohh, Snow White..
Bailey Dawn <3
Thursday 4 October 2012
How did we get here?
Two weeks almost to the day I get back from my trip, an I've been in kind of a depressed haze. I don't know what it is, but I've been getting kicked while I'm down since I got back from my awesome trip. I've been running through life at a hectic pace, but not really feeling any situation at all. I go through this every once and awhile but usually it's never this long, or bad. I feel like Pippin in Return of the King when he finds out Merry and him are going to be separated, this longing for.. something. I don't even know what this something is! It's hard, and this feeling of hopelessness and foreboding is just a mist I can't seem to shake. I've had so many issues here at home and I found myself missing my grandmother to the put of breaking down on the street and crying. Just awesome.
Yesterday, however, my friend Echo stopped by to give me a divination reading to clear some things up. It really helped my mood and the mist finally seemed to be lifting. Finally, after that, I felt better. Then last night, I had a dream I was vulnerable, and exposed to the world. There were all my feelings, just lying out there for people to pick up and shatter into a million pieces... When I woke, I was dreaming I had been falling over a cliff and I jolted awake. Dreams, as they are, make you feel emotions you've never experienced before and you can't shut the feelings off. I can't help now being guarded and reserved, even though it was just a dream. I'm going to try not to let it ruin my mood, go out, and as always put on my happy face and be that person that everyone wants me to be. This is just a non nonsensical rant to no one, since no one reads this anyway.. I kind of like being anonymous. I'm that girl that everyone nods to, but doesn't really see and sometimes I'm really okay with that.
Bailey Dawn
Yesterday, however, my friend Echo stopped by to give me a divination reading to clear some things up. It really helped my mood and the mist finally seemed to be lifting. Finally, after that, I felt better. Then last night, I had a dream I was vulnerable, and exposed to the world. There were all my feelings, just lying out there for people to pick up and shatter into a million pieces... When I woke, I was dreaming I had been falling over a cliff and I jolted awake. Dreams, as they are, make you feel emotions you've never experienced before and you can't shut the feelings off. I can't help now being guarded and reserved, even though it was just a dream. I'm going to try not to let it ruin my mood, go out, and as always put on my happy face and be that person that everyone wants me to be. This is just a non nonsensical rant to no one, since no one reads this anyway.. I kind of like being anonymous. I'm that girl that everyone nods to, but doesn't really see and sometimes I'm really okay with that.
Bailey Dawn
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